forgodssake | ic inbox } ataraxion.

Shepard believed it (everything, basically) was a rogue AI. It doesn't not make sense.

I don't know much of anything about the Cyllene, but what I've heard about Strela is that it already featured some sort of hivemind/assimilation situation when we arrived.

But I agree, the disruption/disconnect in space and time seems to be a pattern and one that makes sense given that the jumps are apparently uncontrolled and are literally pulling each of us here from across space and time. Smiley had described Laurens to me as "stuck" and he seemed to be somehow literally in between floors here. I suspect that in his case we're dealing less with in between living and dead and something more like in between universes/realities? But Smiley did also say that Laurens was different, from "him"self, from Charlotte, from us.

The soldier had a conversation with Charlotte in which she talked about being "sent back" and the idea that we had somehow brought her here. I don't think that just meant sent back to the crew quarters, I think given the absence of the entire rest of the crew we may have taken her somehow across dimensions or times. Some of the ghost-like phenomena we've experienced, even the less-personalized paintings, the pockets of effects, might be the result of realities overlapping. Maybe the corridors shift each jump because each jump it's a different universe's version of the ship in that space.

I don't know what any of this really tells us.

Since we're having this conversation about all of these things I've decided I'm just going to tell you: your fingerprints were found in the nanite management control room, on the vial of corrupted nanites that poisoned us all whichever jump that was. I don't believe that you did that consciously or on purpose or maybe even at all, but we've yet to figure out an explanation. It may be another example of mind control? Another version of you on another TQ? Mystique mind controlled and in your form? I don't know. I'm just dropping it into this giant pile of weird shit we're fumbling through.

I'd like to put a tracker on Laurens like a house arrest ankle bracelet sort of deal, but I don't know how effective it would be and if he would allow it. Besides that my instinct would just be to announce his presence and leave it at that.

My real question is whether we tell people what you found in his head.

[ This one takes a delay, however many minutes needed to read, absorb, freak out a little, and write. ]

if Shepard came from a world where AIs or rogue AIs were possible, she may have that perception bias, and if there is anything I have learned about studying this place, it is to discard what you expect to know. if 'it' is a rogue AI, I can't see how it would only be that, thus making that conclusion somewhat tenuous. I have heard theory that we are dealing with something more demonic, and that makes as much sense to me as anything else.

but I'll grant you, she got a closer look than most of us. my question would be, what does that imply?

it's the story of the Cyllene that captured my attention/sounded familiar to me. Charlotte was also called a "mistake" by the smiley entity. as if she was never meant to exist in our plane of reality/time. I think what else is telling is that unlike Felix, telepaths here cannot read her mind. the same is true of the 'ghosts' we see on occasion. of monsters and other phenomena, I can usually at least get an empathic sense of their existing.

I have a proposal as to Felix: Dr Gallo can utilise her magic to track him, whether he allows it or not. as he is not in total control of himself, I don't feel a need to garner his cooperation.

as much as I would argue for his privacy, I think knowing he is potentially being controlled by something is imperative information. I'm torn as to whether an amount of detail and specificity is necessary: it could serve as a warning and advise to steer psychically clear of it, and god knows people will ask. on the flipside, people don't like being told 'no' and it may attract unwanted curiousity. what happened to me was dangerous, and could have been dangerous for others.

and thank you for telling me.

You're welcome.

Practical first things first: having Dr. Gallo track him sounds like a good idea to me. If she agrees and you trust her with it, then let's do it. I'd like to be included in whatever list of people she's given to alert when he goes somewhere weird/vanishes/whatever parameters we want.

I also agree that warning he may be controlled is probably not a bad idea. I share your concern about detail, for various reasons not least of which that it may actually be the most frightening thing I've heard yet in a year and a half in this nightmarish shithole. In terms of the danger of people poking around in his mind, are there others capable of it besides you and Anderson? Could you address them directly/individually?

Edited 2015-04-19 01:09 (UTC)

of course, to all of that first thing.

and to the second: no. telepaths, psychics, dreamwalkers, they come and go. there is the Lady Galadriel and I can likely speak to her directly, but that's about it.

I think until we know more about it, we should leave out the specifics/details. thinking on it, I don't want to open a forum of questions that others take it upon themselves to try to answer and get hurt. with more study, we can perhaps present findings at a later time, and/or put it somewhere publicly accessible like William's archive.

Agreed.

Re: Shepard/AIs/etc. She said that before we went out the second time, and your point about perception bias is fair. It's probably in part why I go to alternate universes/realities as an explanation so often; that's something I've had a lot of experience with especially right before coming here.

I think it's important to remember also that we're not just looking to figure out one entity that explains everything that's happened. If Laurens' oblique word is true, there are five "sides on the board," one of which is us. But Laurens also keeps saying "he" like there is a single entity, maybe a person, that he knows of who is controlling at least some part of this. Did he invite us, we're stomping on his toes, we're changing his rules.

When we found him I threw five names at him: Smiley, Van Rijn, Gallagher, Ward, Davis. He said that we should've asked about four, and then corrected himself to three. Davis "isn't himself anymore, if he ever was." He said this like it was especially significant, but when I suggested other people haven't been themselves lately either (thinking of your fingerprints, actually) he didn't engage. He did imply that whatever way Davis is not himself is not in the same way that Laurens isn't. He calls himself a rat in a cage and says Davis wouldn't have fit.

Laurens also said that they just forgot to take care of him (Laurens) until it was too late, while Charlotte was our accident. Something we did brought her here, and only we can send her back. We've somehow gained some measure of power we were never meant to have, though it doesn't seem like we have any idea what it is.

When you say 'monsters and other phenomena', do you mean like the people we saw in the hallways last year when all the recon stuff went bad? Could you get readings off them?

I apologize for jumping around, it's hard to mash any of this into any sort of sensible organizational structure in conversation because it's so hard to tell what actually has significance to anything else.

that would be the best example. I remember when we initially all went after the recon team, we saw ghost like entities come from the shadows -- people running in a panic, ignoring us entirely, like we weren't there, much like the Cyllene description. there was nothing I could read from them.

the monsters, I could detect a haze of psychotic anger, and I believe this is because they were manticores, or based off of manticores. manticores have an unsettling human-like level of cognizance, but still nonsensical, dominated by rage, likely due to their hybrid nature. I'm not sure, though - I never did make detailed note of what I found, because the next jump had me skip ten years in time, so I'm going off recollection.

but I do remember the figures that lured people to the white doors were different. their psychic presence was calm and warm and inviting, and this didn't change even when they turned aggressive. no coherent thought, unfortunately, just empathic readings.

the corridors event gave me an impression of at least two different sides. one that wanted to stop us from going deeper (aggressive tactics, monsters, reminds me a little of the reverse psychology that smiley utilises) and then the lure (positive reinforcement, manipulation, assimilation?). I don't know where Gallagher fits in. Van Rijn is his own variable.

Interesting. I guess my first thought would be that the ghosts were the crew/passengers, only here enough to be seen but no more. The manticores actually exist but either are controlled or only periodically exist when needed, which is why we don't see them often. I'm not sure what to make of the figures. Unless they were designed to give off that sort of presence specifically in hopes of luring in telepaths as well? I would have guessed that it was sort of reflecting our perceptions of them, since they were specifically plucked out of our minds to be inviting, but if it didn't change when they got aggressive/we became aware I don't know that that makes any sense.

I'm not sure what Smiley's goal is, but I don't know that everything is reverse psychology? He definitely encouraged and seemed to approve of finding Laurens. Which may say more about how wary we should be of Laurens than about Smiley, I suppose.

My personal theory has been that Gallagher is Smiley, whatever Smiley is. Maybe he just is the hivemind. He certainly seems to know personal things about people that he shouldn't be able to know without having access to the inside of our heads.

I agree with your guesswork and being confused as to the implications of the psychic read I got from the luring figures. I got that sense even from figures that were not targetting me for luring. I imagine them as psychic puppets, extensions of a greater motivation.

that would make a convenient amount of sense, wouldn't it? so five sides into three would combine G and smiley, which leaves an excess fourth. Van Rijn can keep his. we're supposed to be one, correct?

re Davis, just reviewed William's collective notes on him, it describes a 'shadow'. I sensed in Felix's memories experience with a shadow figure as well. not sure what the fuck that portends, but thought I'd make note of it. I'll let William know I have some findings to add and write it up when I am certain it won't be completely confusing.

We're one side, according to Laurens. When we found him I tried to find a way around into asking if we were alone on our side or not but didn't get much. I guess yes is the most obvious answer anyway. Whatever the other four are playing for it isn't our best interests.

I don't recall the exact wording but the way what Charlotte said about Joe Davis was described to me what's stuck in my mind was that the shadow devoured him. I'm basically picturing the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come from the Muppet Christmas Carol with a black hole swirling in its center sucking him in. At this point I don't know whether there were things said that made me think that or if I've just made that up entirely. However it looked my guess is he has been assimilated.

There's also whatever is living in the core of the ship. Shepard called it an 'it', anyway. There's it and then there's a someone that pulled all of us from the core. Though when I asked Smiley how we get to the white room he said we're already there. But according to the soldier Charlotte said Davis told her we were supposed to be in it already, which implies that we are not.

Smiley
Gallagher
Shadow
It at core
Someone who pulled us from core
Van Rijn
Ward & Resnik
Us

Some combination of that = 5. At this point I'm not entirely convinced Ward & Resnik are even at the table, but I don't know who else it would be. It could be that we began with four but they're getting whittled down. It would be nice if we could come up with a way to push Laurens or Charlotte on any of these points but I've run out of ways to approach it.

I wonder if it's a coincidence that we have a shadow and a white room. Not to say that the white room = Good necessarily but just that I wonder if the cliche dichotomy means they're the two main forces in opposition here. But it sounded from the soldier's conversation with Charlotte like the shadow was meant to get us to the white room, so maybe not.

Edited (oh my god last one i swear i just left a sentence totally dangling) 2015-04-19 17:28 (UTC)

We're both going to regret it but I think you're going to have to look inside my head.

for what it is worth, I do not think the white room is good, but I also don't know if remaining static is any good either, so perhaps it's just different kinds of terrible. but I am suspicious of the fact that whatever force urged us to the white room used manipulative positive tactics to trick us. there's something a little more honest about scaring us away with monsters.

I suppose it's that time of year to go over all the smiley posts and read it with different lenses. reverse psychology, opposite day, and so on.

but one thing at a time, then.
your head. the soldier's head, if he's up for it. I have to tread delicately there.
someone else from your recon team. and then someone uninvolved, I think, as scientific control.
might as well not do things half arsed.

I think we need to find it. For better or worse, it seems like an answer. It's a good point about the manipulative tactics, but I'm not sure the monsters weren't part of it. Breaking people down to be more susceptible to the allure of the white room when it came.

Thorough is best, I agree. We need to rule out whatever variables we can.

I'd like to know more about how it works before we do it. Do you just go straight in now looking for what you saw before? Do you or I have any control over what else you see?

I will attempt to go straight in looking for what I saw before, but I will need to see what I'm doing, if that makes sense. it would be best if you channeled your thoughts towards such things like your recon experiences, for instance, but I can't guarantee that more personal thoughts won't flare up, perhaps even painful ones. attempts for you to shield me from such things would probably do the exact opposite of what you intend unless you have specific anti-telepathy training of some kind.

focusing on the present and on associated memories would be your best bet.
do you like dogs?

Yeah, I assumed it was a 'don't think about a pink elephant' sort of situation.

The memories of mine the ship chose to play with during that recon mission aren't exactly pleasant ones. I doubt they rate on the scale of weird and ugly you've dealt with in the past but if it is better to be told in advance, I can do that. Obviously I would prefer not to but successfully determining if this thing is in my head is top priority.

I love dogs.

we can hold some dogs.

I don't think I'll need that level of detail beforehand. best I go in without knowing, I think, I can handle surprises as they come.

Okay.

I am always interested in holding some dogs. You have Izzie, right?

I have one of her puppies, who is not so much anymore: Lincoln
but I was considering borrowing her for the exercise, she's a gentle presence

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